Deb's Mental Health And Wellness Guide
"Face Yourself - Free Yourself"
~My Mystical/Psychotic Journey~
(Posted 2012 / Updated 5/24/16)
I have always had a relationship with God and the spiritual journey since I was very young. Therefore, when the Voice began talking to me and guiding me and mystical/paranormal things began to happen frequently, I thought that I was God's special child living on the planet doing His work. I never thought that there might be something wrong with this picture.
Loving God and being selfless, loving and helpful was always my nature since childhood. It was in growing up that I realized that not everyone was the same as me. People were hurting one another and they were also hurting animals. Listening to the bad news on the television and the radio truly broke my heart and my spirit. Why wasn't everyone loving, kind and selfless? I really think that getting to know the real world as I aged wreaked havoc on my brain at an early age. I felt I couldn't shine my light or truly be my authentic self. It is at this time that I began to conform to peer pressure, family and the world. I buried the real me so that I could survive the journey of life.
In 1985, things really started to become more mystical. The Voice began talking to me and telling me what was happening, what was going to happen, and what I should do. Everything that IT said proved to be true. Then in April 1996, I believe that I had an Awakening. One moment I was in bed reading a book by Deepak Chopra, and the next thing I remember, I was hanging over the other side of the king bed crying hysterically. I have no idea what happened or how I was thrown to the other side of the bed. I looked at the clock on the table next to the side of the bed I was laying on and it said 10:30pm. This is the only thing I remember. After this happened, I was changed forever.
I submerged myself into everything spiritual, paranormal, mystical...anything that could help to answer my questions..."what is the REAL TRUTH of our existence"? What the heck was really going on?? Who or what exactly is God and why did He/It create this world? What was the purpose of life?
I fell head over heels in love with God. My yearning to be with God forever was excruciating. I believed in reincarnation, life after death, near death experience, awakenings, the mystic walk of an unquenchable thirst for a oneness with God, spirits, energy, visions, the Voice, knowing things, scanning the body for illness, hands on healings etc. These were just a few things that I was dealing with on a daily basis for years. Somewhere on my journey, I believe I had a near-death experience. All I wanted was to go home and be in the love and light of God forever.
On April 5, 1997, I suffered a tragedy. My cat Rosa died. The Voice had told me on February 7, 1997 that she was going to die in less than 2 months. I always held out hope that whatever the Voice told me would not come true. Unfortunately for me, the Voice's information was correct. Rosa died on April 5, 1997. Her death sent me into a downward spiral which I understand now was a manic response. Thus began the breakdown process which officially happened on August 8, 1997.
Friday, August 8, 1997 was the beginning of my real life and my new life. It felt as if my brain was deteriorating and I was hysterically sobbing. I drove myself to the local emergency room and thus began my journey with doctors, medications and denial. Whatever medications my first psychiatrist gave me made me feel horrific. I finally had enough and in October 1997, I flushed them all down the toilet. I had no idea what the psychiatrist was saying during our visits and I didn't think I needed any psychiatric medications. My head hurt and my brain felt like it was fried. It took me 5 weeks to get off of my mother's couch and walk around a little. It's been a very long journey getting to this point in September 2012.
Now it's December of 1997 and I have taken off on another whim to a spiritual location in Virginia. I stayed at a monastery for a week and then decided to go to Yogaville..an ashram in Yogaville, VA. After finding the book "SANCTUARIES IN THE NORTH EAST" at the monastery bookstore, I decided I would drive to and chronicle all of the spiritual centers in the USA.
Now how was I really going do that? At this time, I was on unemployment getting about $300.00 a week. This is a classic example of what I would do all the time. Act first, think later.
Many things happened on this journey but there is one thing I distinctly remember. The first night at Yogaville, I decided to go to the communal tv room and watch the movie that was playing. The movie that was on was PHENOMENON starring John Travolta. In his journey, it looks like he has been struck by lightning and had a near death experience. As the movie progressed, he had many mystical experiences and no-one knew why. In the end, he has an inoperable brain tumor and dies. His mystical journey was attached to problems in his brain functioning properly. He was really sick underneath all of his psychic gifts. That's really the first time I thought that there might be something wrong with me. Do I have a brain tumor? Is this psychic journey a lie? I didn't know what to think or do so I just kept going forward on my mystical path hoping for answers.
From August 1997 to September 2001, I kept on the mystic path and went from one psychiatrist to another and one med plan to another. In April 1998, I found a way to commit to God in a legal ceremony. It was a love commitment, a marriage commitment, a devotional commitment plus so much more. I have performed 2 wedding ceremonies (1998 & 1999) and feel that God's loving presence came through me to unite both couples. To my knowledge, both couples are still married to this day. I am ordained as a non-denominational minister.
In August 2000, I became certified as a Reiki Master. I believed that God wanted me to become ordained, a certified healer and open a spiritual center called "God's Center For Love And Truth. This thought would be the foundation that would fuel my disappearence.
Now comes 9/01, 9/02, 11/02 and 7/05...all dates that I was hospitalized. September 2001, I was having a breakdown. September 2002, I wanted to die. November 2002, I wanted to kill myself and July 2005, I was committed. I stopped taking my medications in February and April of 2005. Being off of my medication propelled me into deciding to follow God's calling. I disappeared and fell into a severe manic episode. My purpose for disappearing was to do God's work...to open up the spiritual center, minister in the chapel and do healings on all that needed them. I drove all over the state of Connecticut trying to make the Center become a reality.
I understand from my family that during my initial disappearance, I was listed on the National Missing Person's List, 4 police departments were searching for me and my family was planning my funeral. Many people suffered greatly during this time.
Finally on July 6, 2005, I was having a breakdown and I went to the hospital to speak with a crisis counselor. After a flurry of activity happening amongst the staff behind the ER front desk, I knew they were going to commit me. My former psychiatrist was based in the outpatient department in the hospital. The ER staff contacted him and he came to my bedside in the ER and said he was going to keep me...that I was being committed. I asked him if we could do my health plan together and he said yes. We talked about many things which included what med I should start on. After taking 25mg. of an anti-psychotic (Seroquel), I felt peace and exhaustion run through my body. I immediately closed my eyes and breathed a deep sigh of relief. I was ready to accept a correct diagnosis and a medication plan. I had proof now that I had a brain disorder and that I needed help.
After sleeping just a couple of hours a night for months during my disappearance, I fell into a deep sleep. I slept on and off for 3 days and was kept for 7 days. I was released with a plan of action. I have followed that plan to this very day.
I will say that this was the best thing that could have happened to me. FINALLY!!!!!!! I was properly diagnosed and medicated. It is 7 years later and I continue to be under a doctor's care and take my medication.
Since July 2005, my spiritual journey is quieter. I suffer from severe Bipolar Disorder with psychotic features. My mania is God and the spiritual journey. A level of discernment has grown within me which keeps me balanced and rooted in wellness and reality. I question everything I think before making any decisions.
I constantly remind myself about what I have been through. I stay close to home now and am dedicated to my healthcare plan and my ongoing journey of wellness.